So please don't make more promises to me
And please don't take everything from me
And I will breathe in every word you mean
If you could please promise them to me

Almost a decade...

I'll be eighty-seven; you'll be eighty-nine
I'll still look at you like the stars that shine
In the sky, oh my my my...

I feel like I'm living that nightmare again. My heart feels so empty. I feel so lost. I'm all choked up and I can't seem to breathe. I feel so cold and I can't stop shaking. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. So many what-ifs. So many I-could-haves. I feel so sick and weak inside. It hurts me to even write this out; but writing is all I have. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings any other way.


It was just another Monday morning in April. I was working out of town again and slowly packed my things to go back home. For months, it was the same routine. I never rushed home because I didn't have a real home to go to. By no home, I mean no one to go home to. I was so use to having you there and I was just beginning to learn that it would be different now. What's the point of rushing to an empty house? Anyways, as I was starting the car, I got a miraculous phone call from your sister. I haven't heard from her for awhile so I was scared to pick up. I was scared I did something wrong. I was just beginning to live life again and move on. I was nervous that hearing her voice would bring back so many memories. Your family became my family and even after... there was always a spot in my heart for them. I picked up. "Hey Ter, how have you been? Have you talked to JR?" I thought to myself for a minute. Why would she ask if I talked to JR? The last time I talked to him; he embraced me with the big news. The last time I saw him was when I held him close as he cried. It's been a month, so what could it be? What more could it be? I said, "No, why Jan? Is he okay? Is he safe? Did something happen in Vegas?" (All the guys were celebrating in Vegas for John.) She immediately told me without hesitation, "JR is having a breakdown." A breakdown? I was just confused. "He kept seeing things in Vegas that reminded him of you. Call him when you can."

I dropped my phone on the floor and looked up at the sky. What did she just say to me? I felt the world spinning. I wanted to cry. All the nights I sat up crying and praying for this dream to come true...and it finally did. But...

Why wasn't I dancing and cheering? I had been through so much the last few months that made me become stronger than I ever was before. I became more independent. I grew smarter and wiser. I wasn't ready to hear the words that I've been waiting and praying for. Love is the most beautiful thing; but it could be the most dangerous. It took me all day to build up the courage to call him. He sounded so nervous and I laughed to ease the pain. He told me he was looking through our pictures on the plane and passed by so many things that reminded him of me. All the little details he never noticed before; he now did. My heart was beating so fast as he told me every little thing. I took the phone away from my face so he wouldn't hear me tear up. I was trying to stay strong.

I wake up and teardrops that fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then
I head off into my job, guess not much has changed

Punch the clock, head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you
That's what I'm doin' these days
Yeah, that's what I'm doin'

I got up the next morning to walk the doggies. The sun seemed to shine so much brighter. It felt so perfect outside. He had called and asked if he could come to see me. He showed up on my doorstep, dressed so neat and groomed, and lunch in hand. I felt so nervous. What has gotten into him? He came to see me. I looked at him and he nervously looked at me back. "I'm sorry...for everything." These four words meant so much to me. I wanted to run off and cry. He grabbed me, held me tight, and kissed me. It just felt...right. As I type this, I can still remember the feeling I had inside. I let everything go again and just accepted it. This was such a beautiful moment in my life...that I'll never forget.

He was the love of my life. We've been through so much and for so long. He knows me better than anyone else. I loved him more than the world. So we began to pick up the pieces. Things felt a lot better again for him, me, our families, and our friends.

Lately, I have been preparing him for the big day. I asked him frequently to check up on her. I reassured him that things will be okay. I told him I will always be there to give him that extra push. I invited him to stay with me so he could save money for the baby. One night, I built up the courage to write an email to all of our family and friends. Life is a beautiful thing and we should celebrate it. I invited everyone into my home to celebrate. All my hard work, sweat, and tears...I did it for you, Sophie. You deserve to have the best and I wouldn't want it any other way. You don't know me yet, and I'm scared you never will...but I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what happens. Your Dad is an amazing person and will always be there for you. I don't know your Mom, but I know she is going to be an amazing mom to you.

I have been so strong throughout all of this. I kept my head held high for him, our family and friends. Despite how I was feeling, I didn't want to let anyone down. My mom always told me be strong...no matter what. I look up to her tremendously. She is who I am today. She is still fighting so hard to live each day and I'm so grateful that she won't give up that fight. But, I can only hold things in for so long. I wore myself out for a year now. It only felt right to cry. Jay asked what was wrong and I could only reply, "Don't worry about me right now, I'm a strong person. I can pull through. I just need to cry". I didn't want him to have to worry about me because he has so much to deal with the next coming days. I'm not a selfish person.

4:30am: He wakes up to get ready for the big day. He was so anxious. It's about to happen. He kissed and hugged me goodbye. "I love you" We said to each other before he left through the front door. I didn't hear from him all day, but I didn't want to bother him. Then I get the news. She's finally here! A beautiful healthy baby girl. Tears rolled down my face because I was so happy.

He calls me later in the day.

He sounded so frail. His voice was so soft. I just wanted to know if he was okay. This was alot for him to take in. As much as I wanted to be there with him, I wanted to show respect to Her. Later on in the day, I get a call from Jan. She told me there't alot going through his head and that I should text him how I feel now...before its too late. I sat up in bed and just cried. Just be strong Ter, just be strong. After everything that I have said and done, he is having second thoughts. I don't want to be selfish, but I want him to not forget that there is life back home. There are times in your life where you can't live in the moment...just because it feels right at that time. I am not one to force decisions, but I fought so hard and got this far...

I did so much. I sacrificed alot. I went against my family's wishes to not get hurt again. I built up my faith. I did everything and more because you told me you never wanted to hurt me again. We talked so many times about how we will be here on out. You told me you would protect me from being hurt. We were in this together and wanted to make it all work despite the complications. I didn't want to be let down again. I forgave and started over. I let go of any anger I ever had because I told myself... I would never want to live my life without you. I'm willing to be there for Sophie no matter what. I even disregarded my own feelings for you. I accepted that I have to be the hidden truth. After everything, how could you just let me go...just like that? I know you're scared because you think you won't be able to see Sophie otherwise. We had a life together before all of this happened...before December happened. We had a life together during this... and we talked about having life together after this. You said it would be hard, but we knew it would be worth it. So I'm left here thinking... why... my heart hurts so much and the pain is more than I can bare...

You built me back up again; and now...you can watch me crumble back to the floor...

This Thing Called Life.

Godet: Free People

Skirt: Free People
Bralette: Forever21
Watch: Dolce and Gabbana

Don't you talk?
You know I've heard it
All before
That I'm deserving of
Something more
You think I'm worth it
But you're not the one willing to give it

I don't need you to
Make me a promise
Although it'd be
Some wishful thinking
But you know I think real and it's too up in the air to not bother me

Cause I believe I know I will find it
All I need is written within me
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life

I won't stop
It's not a question
I'll take off
Without directions
With you or not
I'd get over and forget
If you wouldn't come with




All you say is
You want me with you
Go on and on

But how is it true
Forgive me for this doubt
If we build a home in sand it'll only wash away

Cause I believe I know I will find it
All I need is written within me
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life

Good things don't always come
Knocking at your door
Good things come to those
Who want to share with that someone
Don't you, don't you, want to come along?
One day, one day, it's here and another it's gone

Cause I believe I know I will find it
All I need is written within me
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life
Cause I believe I know I will find it
All I need is written within me
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life
I was only asking if you'd ride with me
Through this thing called life

Theres always something in the way...

There's always something
In the way
There's always something
Getting through
But it's not me
it's You

Sometime's ignorance
Rings true
But hope is not in
What I know
Not in me
It's in You

It's all I know

And I find peace
When I'm confused
I find hope when
I'm let down
Not in me
But in You

I hope to lose myself
For good
I hope to find it in the end
Not in me
In You
It's all I know

Expect the unexpected.

This is it. This is what I have to say.. at least a partial innuendo of what's going on in my head. Here I am holding the doggies while they are sound asleep in my arms. I thought to myself, what more can I take? I think this is it. Ive known this secret from the beginning and I respect that you told me from the get go; yet I still stuck around and was there by your side through the worse of your days. I was there to help you pick yourself up and give you direction on what is right and what is wrong. Did I have to? No. Did I do it? Yes. Why? Because a big part of me told me it was the right thing to do. A big part of me still had hope that you would learn what's right and what's wrong. I don't believe in fate anymore because our paths solely depends on what we make of it. We make our own decisions; good or bad. I'm done with believing in fairytale endings because it would only set me up for disappointment.

No one is able to tell me "I know how you feel". No one. This situation is the worse of the worse. I'm done with getting my heart trampled over and crushed into a million pieces. No one can fathom the situation that has happened. You go on and do what you think is right. You create your own destiny. You create your own path. I don't want to seem bitter but don't think for a second that anyone has to feel sorry for you. It's true; karma will always catch up to you. I never once wanted this to happen to you, but now maybe it's good that it did. We all learned a big lesson from this and it changed all of our lives.

Congratulations, y'all won. Be happy and live the life y'all created. Y'all deserve a round of applause for the catastrophic show that was created. For all the years that I stood by your side and for all the suffering I went through for you... And for you to throw it all away because you can't make your own rational decisions... I'm throwing in the towel.

Just when I thought things were beginning to look up...my world comes crashing down on me. What's new? I've been through hell and back. I've been through it all. I expect no one to tell me otherwise. Sometimes I believe that this is meant to happen to a person like me. It's like life is throwing me curve balls just to test my limits. Someone has to take the bullet; I'd rather it be me than anyone else. Everyone wonders how I'm staying so strong and still standing with my head held high. The only thing I can respond with is, "I'm doing this for you... Each and every one of you that's has seen my pain and suffering." I feel like it's meant to happen to me because I need this reality check. I need to learn that things won't ever go as planned.

The perfect little world that I had and was living in felt like a dream come true. I need to wake up and realize dreams are just dreams...it's not real. It hurts so bad; I feel like I'm dying. This isn't suppose to happen to me. Everyone envied what we had, we were the "it" couple. But who am I kidding, I don't deserve this. I sat back and let the both of you destroy my life and regret being the nice girl. I just don't have it in me to be otherwise. Sadly, I just wished I never met you. Solely for the fact that I wouldn't have nights like these, where I cry myself to sleep...where I wake up putting on a happy face just for everyone's sake...where I lose hope...where I get my dreams shattered.

If it's not one thing it's another. I hope you feel good about yourself. I hope you have sleepless night and wake up in the morning feeling like death; just so you can have a faint taste of what my life has become.

I never will say that this "secret" was a mistake because it's truly a blessing. So don't think for a moment that I will ever admit that I'm wrong for writing out how I truly feel at the moment. Maybe I will understand one day. I was there throughout your worse; and if that didn't show you enough love and dedication...I don't know what will.

Ive always been an independent person and has always worked hard for everything that I've had. It just made me happy to care about you. I shared my life with you. You threw it all away for someone you barely knew; and now you're stuck for life. I want to meet the old you again. A person with self respect and dignity. A person that stood up for himself. The man I fell deeply in love with.

I know you're lost and confused. Hopefully in time you'll learn and realize what's right for you. Do you baby...cause I'll be doing me.

And then there are days...

Where I feel like I'm slowly dying and fading away. Mom has always taught me to be strong. I'm trying so hard to keep my head held high. If enough hasn't happened in my life in the past three months, I don't know what more I can take. Surely, I believe in good karma. Surely, I believe in good people and that good things happen to good people. Where's my break? I'm exhausted and tired. I keep pushing forward but things keep happening that's pushing me so many steps back. This is a fight I don't want to lose. I have to keep myself positive because people are counting on me. I will battle with this depression and anxiety for as long as I can stand. You won't take the best of me yet.

Oh l'amour.

Sunglasses: Ray-Ban

Top: Free People
Maxi Skirt: Forever21
Watch: Dolce and Gabbana

I have a lot on my plate this year. So much to do; so little time. I have to keep pushing forward because time waits for no one. Ironically, I'm glad to be more active with my blog. Well at least updating with my O.O.T.D. Have a wonderful day :)

love,
ter